heart of dreams

For the past four years I have woken up almost every morning and meditated. This is what I have learned. This is what I have committed to. But even though meditation has given me an awareness of myself that is greater than was before, even though it has helped give me perspective and a sense of authority over my thoughts my feelings and my actions, something has been missing for what feels like forever. This morning I woke up and I wrote down my dreams, I thought about reading my new book on dreams, “A Little Course on Dreams” by Robert Bosnah, I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, looked at my messy hair in the mirror, was reminded of my dream in which I was looking for my hairbrush in someone else’s car, and then I sat down to meditate.

Across from me sits three cards from my divination deck of gods, goddesses, angels, and spirit beings. The three cards lay out in this order from left to right: Charity, archangel of prayer and contemplation, Radha, Hindu goddess of devotion and the “soul flame,” and Saint Michael, archangel of prayer and the heavens. When I pulled these cards the other day, it was powerful. I don’t pull these cards often, as they are special in their own way and I don’t like to over-use them. I really only use them when I feel called to seek guidance and I’m in the right state of mind–never hurried or rushed, but open, trusting, and curious. The first card I pulled–Charity–served as an affirmation. Before I laid out the spread, I flipped through the cards one-by-one. Looking at each of the designs and allowing my eyes to scan the images and the words, my consciousness naturally drawn to certain images, certain phrases. Something that I can’t explain. Charity was one of those. For some reason as I flipped through the cards, my eyes were drawn to her face. She had brown skin, a beautiful round face, and a bright pink crown of flowers around her head. I had never looked at her like that before. When I pulled and flipped over my first card and saw “Charity,” I said to myself, “Of course.” That’s typically what I say when I pull cards from a divination deck because there is such magic or synchronicity or miraculous beauty–whatever you want to call it / however you want to explain it–in allowing your mind and body to open up and receive clues about your life. It always amazes me. Every time.

What really got me, however, was the middle card I pulled: Radha. Now this particular set of divination cards contains gods, goddesses, and spiritual helpers from all kinds of religious and spiritual traditions around the world. They aren’t merely Greek gods, they aren’t merely futuristic helper beings, they aren’t merely angels or Hindu goddesses. So when I pull a card that I am familiar with, that I have personal experience with, I know this magic is real. There is something beyond my understanding that guides me towards certain paths, certain motifs, symbols, beings, and all I can do is simply follow the clues and be thankful for the mysterious cosmic hints.

Radha is the Hindu Goddess of devotion. A few years ago, after I had finished my Yoga teacher training in 2014, I bought a book by Sally Kempton called “Awakening to Shakti: The Transformative Power of the Goddesses of Yoga.” Flipping through the chapters, each one designated to a different form of the Goddess, I was drawn immediately to Radha. Each had their own particular attraction to me, but there was something about Radha that made my heart feel reawakened to something raw, real, and passionate. Like something from my youth. As I pulled this card that morning, I read what it wrote: “RADHA. SOUL FLAME. Rediscover a lost part of yourself. Experience relationship harmony and healing.”

To rediscover a lost part of myself. In a sense, this is what my blog is about. For years, I’ve spent mornings in meditation, focusing on my breath, on my awareness, letting every feeling and thought pass through without judgement, without identification or attachment, without concern for its significance. And yes, I’ve done plenty of self-work through meditation too, looking at the mental patterns that have governed my behaviors and caused me pain and dissolving them so that I can move forward in a clearer way, but Yoga and meditation can only go so far if your heart is calling calling calling for something else.

I’ve taken hundreds of yoga classes, yoga and meditation workshops, I’ve read books on chakras and astrology, feminine consciousness, I’ve taken online courses on healing and living the life of your dreams, your purpose, I’ve gone to meditation retreats, ashrams, I’ve joined women’s spiritual circles, I’ve done full and new moon rituals, I’ve tuned into my breath every single day, I’ve studied religion, spirituality, psychology… I’ve traveled across the world to see monasteries, mountains, and other sacred sites. But no matter how much I know about the greatest traditions in spiritual healing and wholeness, no matter how much I practice merging my awareness with the one unlimited awareness, I still come back to this.

THIS: My soul. My unrelenting desire. To write. To say. To sing. To create something so beautiful with my heart, my soul, my MIND, my body. With the life that I have been given. My physical being. My aliveness EMBODIED.

We all have something important to share with the world. We may not know what it is. Hey, this is just one stepping stone. Who knows where it is leading me. But I know I feel called to this. Sitting in meditation this morning, I tuned into my heart space and it told me to get up and write. I don’t want to disregard my thoughts and feelings as energy flowing through old valleys of the mind–a habit, a pattern–anymore. There is a reason signs keep showing up. Pay attention. Read the signs. Observe and analyze. And take action. What do YOU want? What wants to come through you? What does your SOUL desire? What is your fate?

START NOW. Don’t wait. I’ve spent years ignorantly avoiding what I really wanted because I felt like I needed to meditate and attain some level of higher consciousness in which everything is perfect and in which everything is accepted, and THEN only would I be at peace and happy. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned and the way it has all played out. And I am certain that my path unfolded the way it did for reasons too intricate to explain here and now. But we are the only ones who have power. A friend recently told me this: “You can’t change the way the wind blows, but you can adjust your sails.” Adjust your sails. Go faster if you want to. Follow your heart. GO. IMG_1921


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