I’ve waited for the day

IMG_2243I’ve waited for this day. The day that I’ll finally be heard. The day that I’ll finally get to share my self, my story, and my words out loud with the world. I’ve been waiting. Wanting. And here it is. Here I am. Raw, half-grown, and imperfect; yet ready. It’s the day I take control of my own fate and give the flowers of my soul their rain. The day I take my own two fingers and rub them together to create: fire–from my very own being. Burning, bright, blazing–the golden flames of my soul. The flames that have been dimmed and dulled. By the florescent lights of urbanity (insanity) and the heavy dews of the collective insecurity (and my own). How many stories could I tell of the undoing of myself? How many stories could be told of the undoing of humanity? And despite the assumed and understood impossibility of finding true lasting happiness, being free, and being human, which so many of us have swallowed, how many different ways could we share our stories? So many ways.

I am unique. I am new. I am a grain of sand in the ocean of time. Yet I am the only one who can share my story. There is only one of me. No one is going to share my story for me. It’s up to me and only me. Hoping and wishing gets us to a certain point, and then hoping and wishing loses its influence, and soon we lose sight of our dreams. We lose sight of ourselves. As the days pass, we become what we become. Corroded by the sediments of fading dreams, molded by those around us, and motivated by a tiny beating heart which we barely notice. The heart and soul, ready for action, ready for beauty, and love, and power, awaits body and mind to activate it, to set it free, but we are afraid, we are incapable, we are uncertain. Or so it seems.

I’ve spent the past several years in this place. Walking the trails of confusion, in and out of consciousness, being pulled this way and that way, like a leaf in steady-changing wind. There is beauty in letting go, there is freedom in finding peace with what is; but no matter where I’ve gone, no matter where I go, there is still, and has always been, a fire within me that burns at my core. It keeps me going, keeps me moving toward that which it wants. Intense, wild, fanatic, insane even. Sometimes driven mad by its unrelenting and unwavering fever, I have fought against this fire and I have lost. I have tried putting it out by water, I have tried putting it out by breath, and I have meditated for hours and hours and hours, trying to snuff out anything with the residue of some kind of feeling. I thought my desires were the fuel for madness.

Turns out, they actually are; yet, madness isn’t all that bad. In fact, I’d rather be mad than empty inside. I’m hungry, I’m restless, I’m mad, and I’m on to something. Desire is real. It isn’t bad. It isn’t selfish. It isn’t an illusion. I could and I will tell the many stories in which the main character–me, Hannah–actually believed that my feelings and my desires were delusions. She actually thought that holding onto her dreams would only bring her pain and letting them go would result in true everlasting peace… WRONG! Society tries to tell us what we ought to need and want, but we don’t need to listen.

I named this blog beloved flame for a reason. Within each of us, there is a flame. It is the fire that fuels us. Maybe you’d call it the soul, maybe you’d call it the heart, maybe it’s your dreams, your desires, your hopes. You probably don’t know how to put it into words. You probably don’t even know how it got in there. But it’s there. And it isn’t going away. It’s loud, and it’s clear. It’s YOU. It’s a voice that comes out from within you from time to time and will eventually lead you to your destination. It wants the best for you, and yes, at times it causes you great pain. It causes you pain because the world is telling you a million things about how you should be, and you listen to the world. You listen to the world instead of your heart and you lose your way. But I advise you. From my own experience I know. Go in and coddle the voice inside of you. Hear this voice. Know this voice. Love this voice. Trust this voice. You are the only one who can churn the fire within you. Don’t let it go out. And trust me, it never will. The more you stray from the voice, the more it will call you. The more you will suffer. And yet, suffering brings us back. And yet, there is a plan. Sometimes we follow other paths so we can get lost and find ourselves again. Sometimes we are scared and don’t know which way to go. Always follow the LIGHT.

Your one and only,

Hannah

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s